Searching for light in the darkness

The other afternoon I had an unusual impulse – to skip my planned run that evening. I’m pretty rigid devoted when it comes to my exercise schedule and bailing on what has been my weekly 5 miles is not typical for me. I’ve learned over the years that if I give myself the time to relax and maybe take care of a chore or two, that the run becomes a reward, rather than an obligation.

But, I had a chill after a day in my cold, but temporary library. The surfaces outdoors looked potentially slick, unpredictable at best. It was dark and the sky kept sprinkling snowflakes which were unevenly coating sidewalks and lawns. I just didn’t feel like running.

Hours later, I read the story about shots having been fired at Temple Israel, a synagogue I regularly run past. As has happened in the past, my hesitancy about doing something prevented me from being in a particular place at a terrible time.

So, instead of lacing up my pretty green Sauconys, I changed from my newest Docs into my oldest pair and grabbed Jeter’s leash.

As we walked, I thought about how uninspired, about some things, I’ve been feeling. I haven’t been writing much, the house needs a few hours of serious cleaning and my traditional Christmas card has most definitely morphed into a New Year’s greeting instead.

I don’t seem to have my usual spark. Between a lack of time and motivation, I’m just not enthusiastic about much these days.

This is a tough time of the year in many ways. Shorter days, grey skies and the pressure to adequately acknowledge and celebrate the biggest holiday season of the year can combine to create a sensation of weightiness instead of joy.

This year, I’m feeling it.

While 2023 has been a wonderful year in many ways for me personally, the last 12 months have also been filled with tremendous sadness. I’ve witnessed people I love losing people they love and have, at times, felt inept at providing sufficient comfort. The wars in Ukraine and the Middle East continue unabated. The deaths of thousands of innocent children are haunting me and I can’t help but speculate about how many emotionally broken people are being radicalized every day after witnessing these “collateral” deaths.

How can we as a species not have evolved and developed a better means of resolving conflict?

As these thoughts ran through my head as I walked in the quiet darkness, I felt a deep sadness. If someone like myself with all the good fortune and security I’ve received feels overwhelmed by the world, I can only imagine how people who have been provided with far less must be feeling…

Many of the houses on Whitehall Road were decorated for the season with Christmas trees in the windows and bright lights strung on shrubs and front porches. It looked festive for sure, but it landed, to me, like more than a mere acknowledgment of the upcoming holidays. It felt like a reminder that there is always light. Or, as Professor Dumbledore said so eloquently –

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

JK Rowling

I guess I’ll just have to keep looking towards it.

How do you manage the emotions inspired by these challenging times? How are you doing?