Missing

The feeling of having a child you actually birthed nestled in your arms, asleep and lightly drooling. If time travel were an option, I’d like to have that sensation again – with each of my boys.

My Christmas ornament which had been a gift from my kindergarten teacher. It was glass, originally red, with my name correctly spelled in white script. By the time it shattered after about 35 years, it had faded to a soft shade of pink. I wish I still had it.

The hat I bought in Amsterdam for a boyfriend, whose head was too big to wear it. My middle son and his mop of curls stretched it out to the perfect size – for me. I lost it just the other day while out on a walk and my sadness is tempered by the knowledge that I wore that hat well and it may still turn up. 

My mother’s edelweiss necklace. When I was a child, my mother had a white marble jewelry box that I coveted. Lifting the lid and revealing the treasures nestled inside always felt magical to me. The item I loved the most was a necklace my mother told me she had bought in Switzerland. It was a pressed alpine flower, edelweiss, encased in a heart shaped, filigree trimmed bezel suspended from a black velvet ribbon.  I thought it was the most beautiful thing. Eventually, she gave it to me, but somehow it disappeared.* I bought one when I was in Austria to replace it, but it isn’t the same.

Running for miles without discomfort wasn’t ever something I took for granted, however, I didn’t realize that I would lose that ability so soon. I once had a goal of completing a certain number of half marathons, an ambition I’ve had to relinquish. At this point, I’d be happy to run 5 miles without discomfort.

Being unaware of my body. Surely there must have been a time in my life when I didn’t think about my size or shape, right? I wish I could remember a time in my life when I didn’t judge myself based upon how easily my jeans slid over my hips or the number on a digital scale.

The sensation of sunshine on my face. It’s certainly been a bust of a winter around here, hasn’t it? I’ve only skied twice this season and the second time probably shouldn’t even count because the conditions were awful. So, if I can’t have snow for skiing, I’d happily settle for some sunshine. I’m going to head to California next week where, with any luck, I might get to enjoy both.

The innocence of believing the government and elected officials truly have my best interests in mind. When I contrast the desperate situation in Turkey and Syria with the amount of money being spent on war, it infuriates me. We, collectively as a human race, have plenty of resources and could choose to invest what we have in making lives better. Instead, we prioritize our spending to feed the war machine economy and to further enrich the already wealthy. It’s disgusting.

How about you? What are you missing these days?

*Perhaps it’s with my claddagh ring, which also has gone missing?